You know I can’t hang out –
So why’d you call?/
I’m just staring at the break room wall/
The wifi’s out and the service here is shot/
Now don’t get mad –
Should I call you back or not?/
You’re breaking up/
It’s as I thought/
We’re breaking up/
Or have we not?/
Why do you always act as if we’d never fought?/
You just go and talk and talk and talk and talk…/
You know things can’t be like they were before –
All of these silly conversations/
If we’re not dating any more/
Yet you’ve always got some news for me/
You’ll learn to play the sax/
Or speak Chinese/
You just got into French movies/
Now you’re reading up on tribal philosophy/
And every shaman you know believes/
We all have a spirit animal/
Or two or three/
So you ask/
If you were an animal –
What kind of animal would you be?/
Well…I suppose…/
You’re a hurricane/
A tumble weed/
You’re a chemical weapon/
Makin’ my eyes bleed/
You’re a rattlesnake/
A wolverine/
You’re a mess, a plane wreck, and a fever dream/
You’re a parasite chewing holes through my body/
And if I had to choose only one, then honestly –
I’d say you’re a bird/
‘Cause you flew away from me./
You stop and close your eyes and sigh and say/
“Not all of those are animals –
You’re ruining the game”/
Oh? But still….you asked…/
You’re a hurricane/
You’re a tumbleweed/
You’re a chemical weapon/
Makin’ my eyes bleed/
You’re a rattlesnake/
A wolverine/
You’re a mess, a plane wreck, and a fever dream/
You’re a mule with an iron will/
You’re a jumping flea ‘cause you can’t stay still/
You’re a chameleon for the times you’ve disappeared/
You’re an aye-aye cause you’re nasty weird/
You’re some kind of medieval torture device/
Penance for some sin I committed in a past life…/
But if I had to choose only one then honestly –
I’d say you’re a bird/
Because you flew away from me/
You stop and close your eyes and sigh and say:
“But would you have me any other way?”/
Well…no…but…/
You’re a hurricane/
A tumbleweed/
A chemical weapon/
Makin’ my eyes bleed/
A rattlesnake/
A wolverine/
A terrorist attack/
An EMP/
A cobra pumping poison through me/
A opossum with a case/
Of late-stage rabies/
You’re hard to catch/ And you’re hard to know/
But you’re sure as hell harder to let go/
You’re a weasel/
And did I mention/
You’re a leech?/
But most of all you’re a bird because/
You flew away from me/